I am finally back. I’m back. And isn’t it funny that that’s the term I’m going with? Not “I’m home”. Not “I’m here.” No, I went with “I’m back” and how appropriate is that. Because I no longer feel like I am home in Townsville. Nor do I feel like I am here. Yes, in the physical sense, I am here, but my mind and heart is elsewhere. It is everywhere. Everywhere I have been and everywhere I want to be. As I sit here, pretending to search for employment, I find myself clicking to travel blogs, travel pics on Instagram, anything to remind me of that feeling of being lost in another country. Now I am left feeling lost in not having the ability to get lost.
I have spoken to so many people who can’t stand being in a city, or a foreign country, as others rush around them. But that, that right there is my heaven. That is where I would rather be. When other’s become overwhelmed or left with the feeling of only being a number, a nobody; I feel most alive. Because yes, I am a nobody, but I am a nobody with the best seat in the world. I get to sit and wonder, watching others rush around me. I am not afraid of the immensity of the world, I live for it. To get lost, to adapt, to live as others live. Being a number, any number on this earth, living with the expectation of adventure and an opportunity to learn off those I see, is my blessing. Nobody sees me, but I see them, I love them, I learn from them, I thank them for being there to watch.
I write this now, knowing full well that most of the people in my life here know nothing of what I feel. The struggle to connect is through no fault of others, but through wanting different things, from being different to my former self. I am not who I was before I left. I want to share everything with everyone. I want to shout my stories, and whisper my secrets. My eyes have been opened to a new reality, a new way of living, a new life-long adventure that I want everyone to be a part of. I have seen, and I have learnt and I am afraid if I stand still that I will forget how to do that. I will forget to search for the meaning in the universe and how to feel excited about a shower or a hot cup of coffee. I will forget that life is not about how much you can hold in your wallet but about how much you can hold in your heart. I am so afraid I will stop and be too afraid to start again.
But fear is exactly what stops people from living the way I have been. I cannot fear fear, I must embrace it and work with it to continue my dream. If I fear standing still, then I won’t. I will have to keep moving, going on small attainable adventures in my own backyard (Australia is a majestic country after all). If I fear that I will begin to take advantage of the little things, I will stop and go without for a week or two, remind myself that all you need is your health and your happiness, and everything else will come as it is needed. If I fear losing my priorities, I have you, all of you to remind me of what I really treasure in life – to live and learn and love with every inch of my soul.
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